January 29, 2003

     I made a special book to keep our memories of KaeLynn in.  I gathered up all the information, pictures and emails that we have received about her.  I have looked at and studied her pictures today, trying to see something that would give me a clue to what happened to our baby.  There are so many unanswered questions.  I know that most of those questions will probably remain unanswered.  I don't know if the answers would help my heart heal.

     I called and had our local travel agency cancel our tickets.  They were more than happy to accommodate us under the circumstances.  I also called Patty at New Hope to see if they had heard anything.  They haven't and have no idea when we might hear something.  She also hopes that we hear something soon.  She feels if we don't get another referral right away that we will probably travel with the next group.  She said that there are 5 families in Group 1 of 2002.

     To occupy my thoughts, I decided to gather things to send ahead to our new referral if we have time.  Mark said he was surprised by this, but our next referral is just as important.  I also said we need to find another name.  I do not want to refer to her as "our next referral" all the time.

     I don't know why, but this afternoon a "calm" came over me.  It sounds strange to say it, but it was like I had received a sign that everything will be alright.  I feel that KaeLynn will be fine and have a happy life and that our new referral is truly the child meant for our family.  That does not mean I am still not grieving, but I just feel that we had to hit this detour to reach the right child.  It is almost scary to feel this, but I feel so comforted and calm now.

     Tonight we, Mark, Janea, RaeAnne and I, had a family talk and we have chosen a new name.  When we started deciding names in 1999 when we started our adoption journey, we decided on RaeAnne very quickly.  KaeLynn started out as LeaLynn and changed many times over the next several  until we stuck with KaeLynn.  Tonight it took us less than 10 minutes for another name.  It was like the name RaeAnne, the new name just feels so right.  We wanted something unique so our daughters' will not have other kids in their class with the same name.  We also some how wanted a small part of Kae's name in it.  We decided to honor Kae and our facilitator in China, Lin.  So our new daughter will be ZoraLin.  Zora means "Dawn" and Lin is "good looking".  By spelling Lin this way, we have combined two special people in our lives plus Mark's fathers' name was Lynn.

     I feel better calling this child by a name and not just, our next referral.  God forbid that we would have something go wrong this time.

     RaeAnne and ZoraLin will know about KaeLynn when the time is right.