January 29, 2003

     I made a special book to keep our memories of KaeLynn in.  I gathered up all the information, pictures and emails that we have received about her.  I have looked at and studied her pictures today, trying to see something that would give me a clue to what happened to our baby.  There are so many unanswered questions.  I know that most of those questions will probably remain unanswered.  I don't know if the answers would help my heart heal.

     I called and had our local travel agency cancel our tickets.  They were more than happy to accommodate us under the circumstances.  I also called Patty at New Hope to see if they had heard anything.  They haven't and have no idea when we might hear something.  She also hopes that we hear something soon.  She feels if we don't get another referral right away that we will probably travel with the next group.  She said that there are 5 families in Group 1 of 2002.

     To occupy my thoughts, I decided to gather things to send ahead to our new referral if we have time.  Mark said he was surprised by this, but our next referral is just as important.  I also said we need to find another name.  I do not want to refer to her as "our next referral" all the time.

     I don't know why, but this afternoon a "calm" came over me.  It sounds strange to say it, but it was like I had received a sign that everything will be alright.  I feel that KaeLynn will be fine and have a happy life and that our new referral is truly the child meant for our family.  That does not mean I am still not grieving, but I just feel that we had to hit this detour to reach the right child.  It is almost scary to feel this, but I feel so comforted and calm now.

     Tonight we, Mark, Janea, RaeAnne and I, had a family talk and we have chosen a new name.  When we started deciding names in 1999 when we started our adoption journey, we decided on RaeAnne very quickly.  KaeLynn started out as LeaLynn and changed many times over the next several  until we stuck with KaeLynn.  Tonight it took us less than 10 minutes for another name.  It was like the name RaeAnne, the new name just feels so right.  We wanted something unique so our daughters' will not have other kids in their class with the same name.  We also some how wanted a small part of Kae's name in it.  We decided to honor Kae and our facilitator in China, Lin.  So our new daughter will be ZoraLin.  Zora means "Dawn" and Lin is "good looking".  By spelling Lin this way, we have combined two special people in our lives plus Mark's fathers' name was Lynn.

     I feel better calling this child by a name and not just, our next referral.  God forbid that we would have something go wrong this time.

     RaeAnne and ZoraLin will know about KaeLynn when the time is right.

January 27, 2003

     The most unthinkable, unbelievable thing happened today.  I was busy finishing firming up our travel plans and had posted to our Dec 2001 group when Patty from New Hope called.  The first thing she did was ask if Mark was home.  I then knew it was not a good call.

     For some reason, which I am not completely sure of, the Huainan orphanage took KaeLynn to the hospital.  They said that she was unable to crawl or stand by herself.  They did a CT scan of her head and they say that her brain is not "normal."  There are abnormalities.  I felt like someone had punched me in the chest.  The CCAA, our agency's facilitator, Lin, and our agency are recommending we decline Huai Feng He's referral.

     We are so heartbroken and sick.  We have had this child's pictures for almost one month.  We are in love with this baby and now we have to decide if we should take her or not?!

     I immediately phoned Mark, who came right home.  We did a lot of soul searching and praying. We ultimately decided it would not be fair to our other children to take on a child with unknown handicaps.  We have shed so many tears.  Now the guilt is setting in.  Why shouldn't we take her? But we don't have the resources necessary to care for her...we don't even know what resources we would need!

     We phoned our agency back and told them of our decision.  They will notify the CCAA and we will have to wait and see if we will be able to travel with our group or have to travel with the next group.

      KaeLynn, sweetheart, we love you.  You will always be our daughter.  The one we didn't get to bring home.

     I tried to explain things to RaeAnne this afternoon.  She knew something was not right with Mommy and Daddy cause we were crying and hugging and kissing her.  I don't think she understands but she knows we were talking about her little sister.  We will name another referral something else. KaeLynn holds a special place in our hearts.
.

January 25, 2003

     Friday afternoon we firmed up our travel plans and I packed for Rae and Kae.  I haven't tried to lift the suitcases yet.  I hope they are lighter than they look!  I still have one big suitcase empty and 2 carry on's empty, so we are really looking good for plenty of room right now.  Of course, I need to fit Mark, Nicholas and my clothes in there.  I will pack smaller amounts for us.  Mark and I are going to take some old socks and underwear that we will make disposable.  Mark has 4 pair of Docker slacks that we were going to try to sell at a garage sale.  We will take those, he will wear them one or two days and then we will pitch them.  I probably wouldn't get $1.50/pair and then we have more room for goodies on the way home!

     Ann, who is making RaeAnne's DVD, called today.  She said they should have it back to us within 10 days or so.  I am anxious to see it.  I will be nice to have a condensed version of the trip so we can watch it more.

January 22, 2003

     Visa applications are off to Lotus.  They will received them at 10:30AM tomorrow.  I spent quite a while on the phone with Kelley from Lotus figuring out when we are leaving and where we are going. She emailed me a tentative itinerary this afternoon.  Then I passed on the info to Shari and Candi tonight.  They will think it over and we will let Kelley know by Friday.  At this point it looks like it will cost approximately $1000 more to spend 2 days in Beijing touring.

     Now tonight, almost tomorrow, as I write in this I am wondering--do we want to go to Beijing or for less, stay in Guangzhou two days and then go on to Hefei?  Of the decisions!  Of course Mark doesn't care.  I really want to see the Great Wall, but...  I guess I will email Kelley and ask her how much we will save doing that.  I also need to find a cheaper way to get to LA from here.  Lotus wants $350.00 each for us to fly to LA on United.  That is $1400!  I am sure we can find something less expensive through an agency here.

     I will email our group and let them know what the prices are and let them decide what they want to do.  This will be our last trip to China for quite a while, part of me wants to shoot for the moon and see Beijing, but my practical side says stay in Guangzhou.

     RaeAnne goes to day care tomorrow.  She is laying here beside me wide awake at 11:30PM.  She is going to be very hard to get up tomorrow!  Somehow I managed to break the handle on the dryer today, so the repair guy is coming tomorrow morning.  I need to start packing!

     Hold on KaeLynn!  Your family will be there soon!

January 21, 2003

     Kathy called at 9:36 this morning.  We need to be in Hefei on February 23rd.  Yippee!  We will be with KaeLynn for her first birthday!  In fact, we will be home.  Our Consulate appointment is March 4th.  I hurriedly called Mark and we made contact with Nicholas' Mother so I could drive to Great Bend to get his passport.  RaeAnne and I then spent the better half of the day on the road.  Many, many referrals came in today.  Looks like most of the November bunch is finally getting their good news.

January 20, 2003

     Referrals for the rest of the Novies are here!  Some agencies were closed today for Martin Luther King day, so it will be a busy day on the November list tomorrow too.  Our travel approval is STILL not here!  I think not knowing the process, not belonging to APC or to a DTC list last time might have been a blessing!  Of course, we traveled 5 weeks after our referral last time, so the wait this time is torture.

     Our weather the past two days has been super warm, but now winter is coming back.  I sent our check off for us to attend the Wichita CNY celebration February 1st.  That should be fun.

January 12, 2003

     Today was family day.  We went out to eat lunch, then off to Walgreen's for Visa photos.  Nicholas' Mom called about homework that he was supposed to have done.  Seems he failed to do a report.  We brought him home with strict orders to do his homework.  The rest of us went to Towne East for a while.  When we returned home, Nicholas was happy to report he had his report finished.  He is going to have to put his nose to the grind stone and get his grades up or he will not be making the trip to China.

     Tonight we received pictures via email of our travel mates, Scott and Donna's baby.  She was born 3/6/2002, just one day before KaeLynn.  She is adorable!  All the babies are beautiful!  I can't wait to meet them in person!  Her name will be Rinn Lian Schepman.

     Tomorrow is Janea's 25th birthday.  I have presents and a cake to wrap tomorrow.  I will also take Nicholas to Great Bend in the afternoon.  He doesn't have school, so he stayed an extra day with us.  I also have many appointments to call and make tomorrow.  It should be a busy day.  Maybe New Hope will call us with travel approvals!

January 11, 2003

     We were in touch with the other two families in our travel group today.  I visited with Candi Holloway this morning and Scott S. tonight.  They are all anxious to go to China too.  Candi's husband is military and may not be able to go, if not her sister will go.  There daughter was born 3/10/2002.  They emailed us a photo and she is a real cutie!  I didn't get a chance to ask Scott if they were taking anyone along.  They are going to email us a picture of their daughter who was born 3/6/2002.  We are looking forward to meeting all of them when we go to China.

                                                    This is Kayley Holloway :)


     I addressed all the announcements tonight.  The new "Year of the Ram" stamps go on sale Monday.  I will order some on-line to use on the announcements.  KaeLynn was born in the year of the horse, but those stamps were issued last year and are 34 cents.

     We found out that Wendy Schoof has received her acceptance from the CCAA to adopt a waiting child.  Her daughter was born 11/20/2001 and she hopes to get to travel in April to get her.  She will be named Keri Hope.  Kira Joy is excited to become a big sister.

January 10, 2003

     PopPop and I returned from our "fun" day away to find out Patty from New Hope had called last night with some updates on KaeLynn.  She is now 18 pounds!  I hope that they are just a little on the high side!  They said she now has 4 teeth.  No wonder she has gained from 16.7 pounds to 18!  I was sad that we weren't there for this milestone in her life.  I still hope New Hope can get us there very soon!

January 6, 2003

     A November DTC from Norway and two from Canada posted their referrals today.  Someone posted that their agency is speculating that the rest of the November referrals might not come in until the end of February!  I hope for the rest of the QBQer's that they are wrong.

     I tracked our FedEx package to New Hope today.  It was delivered at 9:41AM.  I found out tonight that all of our travel group has accepted their referrals and our acceptance letters will be sent back to the CCAA tomorrow.  Hopefully that means we will be receiving our travel approvals very soon.  I have been in contact with Lotus Travel to see if it would be better to fly through Guangzhou or Beijing.  They said it would all depend on how much advanced notice we have.  I wouldn't mind going to Beijing 2 days early if it wouldn't cost us an arm and a leg.  We will probably end up just going to Hefei one or two days early.

     PopPop and I have planned our last side trip to gamble this Thursday.  Once KaeLynn is home, there will not be any time for that!  Plus the trip will have me in debt for a very long time!

     I set up a Yahoo email account for Nicholas tonight.  Then he and his Mom can email each other while we are in China.  He is Scoobydodude@yahoo.com

January 5, 2003

     It has been a very busy time.  We sent our acceptance letter via FedEx to New Hope Friday and I mailed a package off to KaeLynn at the orphanage.  I put a photo album with KaeLynn's photo, pictures of the kids, us and one of the house.  They are in a "sassy" photo album.  We also put in a pink blanket with white stars on it, a stuffed turtle with a bell noise, a disposable camera with the instructions in English and Chinese and Dove chocolates and Hersey's Kisses.  We hope to get the camera back with pictures of KaeLynn in her present home.  Several families have done this and received some really good photos back.

     I joined the Huainan egroup and we have been very impressed to hear how well the babies are cared for there.  I have also offered to hand carry photos to the orphanage for families who have adopted from there.  I have read how the nannies love to see current photos of their "babies."  I think it will be so neat to see their faces when they see the photos.

     Janea, RaeAnne and I went shopping at Towne East yesterday.  Rae and Kae will be very well dressed!  Today I started gathering things to pack.  The weather in Hefei has been  in the 30's and 40's during the day.  The 20's at night.  Guangzhou has been in the 70's so we are going to need a wide variety of clothes.  I want to make sure we keep KaeLynn covered well so the "clothing police" won't scold us!  Because of the weather changes we will be in, I am making sure I pack cold/sinus meds for all of us.